I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
