you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
