she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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