JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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