I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
