after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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