1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize