I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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