Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
this is an emotional support booty call
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
