I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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