I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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