in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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