just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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