Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Ladies don't puke and tell
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
