I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
