best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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