WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize