Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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