a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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