How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My pussy is not your playground.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
