This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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