Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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