You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
