Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
