When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
