Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
