I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
