If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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