I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The feeling are messing with the penis
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
