He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
