theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
