I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
