peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
no, he came in my armpit
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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