Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize