she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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