Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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