ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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