OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
