So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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