One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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