He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
