May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
