So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
