I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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