Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize