You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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