so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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