"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
