even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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