i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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