How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
