I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
