Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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