We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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