I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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