i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
