There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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