dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
