I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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