I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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