I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize