I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
