i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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