the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
